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"WHAT THE NEIGHBORS SAW"

* REPUBLISHED BY REQUEST *

Cat Ellington's review of What the Neighbors Saw by Melissa Adelman

To feature from: 4-23-24 - 5-07-24

My rating: 4 out of 5 stars

CONTENT WARNING: This review contains language which some readers may find offensive. I would strongly suggest viewer discretion.

—Cat Ellington

A "CALLOUS POEM" SHALL LEAD US:

For Woe is a pity,

And none too pretty—are its ugly cries

Bitter from the menace of bane,

Like cold, acid rain—

Do the tears pour down from its lying eyes

For the one who eats the dust,

The same is serpentine:

Nipping at the heels

Of the gumshoes—

Who have no abounding fields to glean

They are barren,

Laid waste—

Full of dead men's bones,

And arrogantly unchaste,

As they play host to hypocrisy

And keep company with misery

Whiffing the savory aroma

Emanating from the pit of its den,

Their crooked mouths water

For the succulent taste of sin—

With needle-like teeth—

All the better to gnaw off the flesh of the blameless,

These are those beneath—

Who prove themselves to be savage, grievous, and shameless

They are cunning; they are perverse

They are vindictive; they are— for better or worse

They are the poisonous potion

Of a witches' brew;

They are— the stars of the murderous mystery thriller

Currently under review

Dear reader? Shall we go get ‘em in the proceeding analysis? Well, alright, then, let's do it.

THE RIVER OF DREAMS: STARTING OVER.

Our leading lady, Alexis Crawford, has been on the come-up for practically her entire life. The high-powered—and high-salaried—attorney has paid more than her fair share of dues, and she is worthy of the better life she pursues. The senior manager of a small consulting firm (and a law wiz), she shares her life with her husband and fellow attorney, Sam Crawford, the couple's toddler son Caleb, and little Caleb's Honduran nanny, Elena. They do alright, but Alexis wants more—and she will have more.

As the pages of this spiteful tale begin to turn, we meet the Crawfords at their residence—a quaint little row house in the heart of Washington, D.C. The day is hectic as Sam (working overtime to nab a partnership role at his prestigious law firm) and Alexis are moving quickly to make it to their appointment on time. They have an open house in River Forest, an exclusive community of multi-million dollar homes offset by lush forests and the scenic Potomac River. Alexis is desperate for an upscale change, but Sam? Not so much. At least not in the beginning. But he'll come around.

Or at least Alexis, the voracious social climber, hopes the grumbling bastard will.

A RIVER OF JOY: BUYING 51 SHADOW ROAD.

The house that will soon belong to the Crawfords is a humongous million-dollar-plus fixer-upper that the couple plans to buy as is. 51 Shadow Road; that's the address. The 5,100-square-foot estate (boasting five bedrooms and four-and-a-half bathrooms) needs a ton of renovation. But Alexis and Sam can't imagine the modifications the property will require (or the doctor's prices attached) until they close and move in. That was the first error of judgment, but no one seemed to care at the time. Alexis was so gung-ho about buying the home—to get away from the urban environment of their row house—that she pressed Sam to secure the sprawling estate in its current condition. Plus, it was a steal; the previous owners could not wait to get the house off their hands. And so they went, they saw, they bought. 51 Shadow Road (a glorified albatross) now belongs to the Crawfords.

Sam might be grunting, but Alexis—pregnant with baby number two—is beaming. She has finally done it! Alexis Crawford, of all people, has finally reached the pinnacle of society. Oh, if her poor, neglectful mother (ol' hateful bitch) could see her now, she'd turn face down in her potter's field grave! If all the friends Alexis never had could see her now! If all her enemies could see her now! Rich, wealthy River Forest, here she comes! Alexis Crawford made it!

She's somebody!

A RIVER RUNS THROUGH IT: THE NEW COMMUNITY.

Who wouldn't want to live in a spacious Cape Cod Revival in an exclusive community inside the so-called Beltway? Sam thinks the new neighborhood is too expensive and says as much, but Alexis is content to brush off his negative opinions because, one, they need more space for their growing family; two, their piggy bank is only a dollar short of morbid obesity; and three, they can use the change of scenery. They can do this, and they will. They are doing this; Alexis won't have it any other way. Plus, the Potomac River flows right through their new neighborhood; they can hear the relaxing sounds of rushing waters from their patio. It doesn't get any better than that. Here, in River Forest, is where their happy place awaits. Or so Alexis thinks.

Alexis also makes a mental note that she and Sam will need a more top-end vehicle—as their humble Honda Civic Hatchback, compared to the Mercedes, BMWs, Porsches, and Jaguars cruising the paved roads of the neighborhood, looks like a broken-down piece of junk.

Already, worldly temptation is luring Mrs. Crawford to hurry and catch up with the Joneses—or, in this case, the Bards.

BLONDE RIVER: MEETING THE BARDS.

There's "Bennifer," there's "TomKat," and then there's TeddyBlair.

Blair and Teddy Bard are the so-called "Barbie" and "Ken" of River Forest. Blair is a talented interior designer, and Teddy, a highly successful businessman, is also a long-standing member of the Virginia House of Delegates. The sparkling couple shares three (secretly unwanted by Blair) children: Whit, the incompetent cross-country runner; Jamie, the soccer standout; and Rob, the badminton player. These three are all blond/blonde like their parents and troubled to various degrees. The Bards are outside their massive, jaw-droppingly beautiful home doing rainy-day yard work when they spot an odd, out-of-place-looking pair with a small child touring the neighborhood. Here, Blair Bard makes the acquaintance of her new neighbors, the Crawfords.

Alexis takes note of the striking blonde woman instantly—as the woman is the type that always seems to have more on the ball in life than women like Alexis. Those types were always the most popular girls who led privileged lifestyles financed by their wealthy families, while urchins like Alexis could only attend a good college on a scholarship. They were the mean girls, the hateful girls, the spoiled snobs. And Alexis despised them – them and every strand of their stringy, blonde hair.

Already, Alexis (seething in her reverie) is enemy-centered toward a stranger whose name she doesn't even know until the smiling woman approaches the Crawfords to introduce herself. Her name is Blair. Of course, her name would be Blair. Alexis should've known her name would be something like Blair. However, despite her name, this woman, Blair, seems nice. She's nothing like those snotty brats from Alexis's high school and college years. And with that, Alexis backhands the salty chip off her shoulder and lets her guard down.

It may not be so bad after all. Alexis might love living in River Forest. And they all might become great friends and neighbors, Alexis, Sam, and these two perfect people, dubbed "TeddyBlair" by their closest associates.

But when it seems too good to be true, trust that more than likely it is. There is no such thing as perfection; Old Scratch knows that. But his job is to deceive human beings into believing otherwise; his modus operandi is to tempt human beings with sugary-sweet lies.

ROMANTIC RIVERS: AN ACT OF VOYEURISM.

The postpartum blues are all over Alexis Crawford, like a cheap suit, two weeks after the birth of her second child, a daughter she and Sam named Carter. But Sam is always away from home these days, with an excuse of working overtime to get that promotion to partner status at his firm. He's also (a lot) more aggressive and mentally abusive toward his once-mighty wife. Every chance the tall red-haired Sam gets to remind Alexis of just how much she's let herself go (since having children), he jumps at it. A jackass and then some, the snide and malicious Sam only seems to feel better when Alexis feels humiliated and lesser. Perhaps it would have been better if Alexis had gone after a partnership at her firm. Maybe then Sam, who has suddenly taken to referring to Alexis as an "old lady," to put in some overtime on her already fragile self-esteem, would be more loving and supportive. Perhaps then he would have something to boast about. Sam Crawford is an awful excuse for a husband; that much is true. But Teddy Bard? Teddy Bard has it all. He's the kind of man any woman would love to have for a husband—which is why Alexis couldn't help but feel envious when she caught a late-night glimpse of Blair "feeding" Teddy on one of the better couple's expensive sofas. Blair's golden head hung back, a look of otherworldly ecstasy on her flawless face, immersed in the passion of sensual oral pleasure. Alexis can only imagine the feeling because Sam hasn't made her feel that good in ages. She and Sam have not been intimate in months—and months; poor, pitiable Alexis.

Watching the erotic scene, her mouth agape, Alexis takes it all in, no pun. But what Alexis doesn't know, however, is that this would be the last time she'd see Teddy Bard alive.

It will also mark the beginning of the end of her monotonous existence.

DOWN BY THE RIVERSIDE: THE MURDER OF TEDDY BARD.

The morning sun and misty dew of early autumn pair excellently in the limiting confines of the tony River Forest: another day, another peachy-keen day. Alexis is busy with typical activities involving her emotionally abusive husband and small children when she hears the whir of helicopter blades and the wail of police sirens. Something unpleasant has befallen their ritzy little cul-de-sac, but what could it be? What it could be is a body—discovered by a fisherman along the banks of the Potomac River. The corpse, brutally battered, with its skull crushed in several places, lay on the rocks beneath the trail. No one saw anything, so they all say, but authorities have identified the dead man as Teddy Bard.

For some (including Alexis), news of Teddy's remorseless murder comes as a jolting shock, but for others, not so much. The inhumanity of his death, right out in the open, speaks volumes. Who would want to kill such a nice man like Teddy? What damaging information did Teddy have in his arsenal? And against whom did he plan to use it? Who wanted their secrets to remain unknown? Who hated Teddy enough to crush his skull to dust? Behind their white-washed tombs, disguised as prime real estate, which of the wealthy River Foresters can sleep at night—knowing they committed a heinous murder?

And who set it in motion?

BEND OF THE RIVER: INTRODUCING THE NEIGHBORS.

As the narrative changes course to turn its glaring spotlight on the other residents of River Forest, Old Scratch breaks forth to gather up his obliging bondservants and shove them in it. As it happens, they number quite a few. Meet them as follows:

• Jennifer looks like a pin-up girl reminiscent of Love, Jackie! With luscious curves in all the right places and a doll-like face to match, many, including Alexis, wonder what the striking brunette sees in her tall, blubbery, sloppy, hot-headed, jealous, possessive, miserable, and unhandsome husband, Jeff. Perhaps it could be his money, as Jeff is nothing if not filthy rich.

Filthy-rich and scorned. Jeff has his trophy wife, but every other man (including those claiming to be so happily married to their respective wives) in the cul-de-sac wants her, too, his precious and beautiful Jennifer. It's too bad she won't stop enticing the fellas with her bouncy, bountiful bosom and big, round ass.

• Brash, big-boned, and Brazilian is the backstabbing, underhanded, two-faced, and ultra-horny alpha female named Laura. The 51-year-old vamp and her shady husband, Shawn, are the founders of a highly profitable security company—that Teddy wanted to snatch out from under them, much to their dismay—with agents stationed worldwide. But the dubious couple, especially Shawn, makes Alexis nervous; she thinks there is something suspicious about the former military man turned soccer coach. Why is Shawn always out in the woods, near the Crawford house, stalking the wee hours, claiming to be searching for his missing drones? Why is Shawn even operating drones in the neighborhood in the first place? And what nefarious activities have his little drones been recording? Did those drones record the killing of Teddy Bard? Are Shawn and Laura concealing information that may be vital to the murder investigation?

No one can out-slick a slickster. And while Shawn doesn't know it, the dark woods have eyes. Someone is always watching. And that someone knows something Shawn and Laura don't. On the contrary, Shawn and Laura know something THEY don't.

• They might be new to money, but Silicon Valley tech company founders Emily and Dylan are worthy of River Forest, regardless of what that self-important elitist, Blair, thinks. Emily, the genius coder, is a mousy, annoying, unsophisticated, relatively unattractive, arrogant, famous-name-dropping heifer; and Dylan, the conceited half-Pakistani man-whore, is one adulterous affair away from an incurable venereal disease, an unspeakable death—or both. Dylan likes to screw around, and Emily knows this; nevertheless, she stays married to him, preferring to blame the other women rather than her philandering, vulva-chasing husband. Emily is a dishrag and a doormat; she has no class, and her self-esteem is bottomless. But that fancy Blair? She's so confident that it makes Emily sick. Blair is the ultimate woman; she's everything the formerly poor Emily isn't. And Emily is envious, jealous, covetous—and enraged. Emily wholeheartedly believes that Dylan and Blair are carrying on (an affair) behind her back. And she sets out to prove it. She even uses a staged lunch date to recruit an unwilling ally to act as a second pair of eyes: her fellow doormat, Alexis.

Since Alexis and Blair are getting so tight, and she's always got her kinky-haired head all up Blair's anal canal, why not use her frumpy, needy ass? Ol' gullible Alexis will do anything to fit in—and feel accepted. Why, she'll do ANYTHING at all.

• Old man Mack likes them young; Mack likes them helpless. Old man Mack enjoys domination while engaged in copulation. Old man Mack is powerful, dangerous, and minted; Mack will pulverize any man (or woman) who dares to cross him. As he has done before, so will he do again—all one has to do is give him a reason. Mack can be a terrifying adversary, a man without mercy. And everyone in River Forest knows it. The old geezer gets what he wants when he wants it—or else. Old Mack will make one's blood run cold. And if he singles someone out, it will never end well. His eyes are beady, greedy, and lustful. And they are now roving the body of Alexis Crawford, the new neighbor. She looks ripe; she seems lost. She looks lonely; she seems sultry. She's quiet. She's defenseless. She's exotic. She's Black.

Mmm, wouldn't she be a delight, this forbidden fruit? When he approached her, she looked nervous. Was it the s̶c̶a̶r̶s̶ liver spots? Mack can only wonder. He'll have her, though—just like he's had all the others. Mack owns nearly all of River Forest. He can h̶a̶v̶e̶ take whatever (and whoever) the hell he wants. And he now wants the dark-skinned lady, Alexis.

RUSHING RIVERS: CHAOS IN THE COMMUNITY.

These all populate the cul-de-sac of great wealth and influence. And each one harbors a dangerous secret capable of destroying the others. Attempting to keep herself busy while Sam is away, yet again (and now that he's made partner at his firm, he has more excuses to spend as much time away from Alexis and their children as possible), Alexis has taken to a new hobby: gardening. And she's become quite good at it. Weeds have joined her growing list of enemies. And it's not until her pruning saw goes missing that Alexis realizes something is off.

What Alexis has been too blind to see, however, is that someone in her orbit hates her—with a passion—and wants her as dead as Teddy. Her greatest nemesis is the one she never would have imagined. Oh, how the foe hates.

POLLUTED RIVERBED(S): BEWARE THE ADULTERESS.

One woman could ask, “Have you seen my husband?” Another woman could say, “I know you're having an affair with my husband!” Followed by another woman who could say, “I'll have your husband in as many ways as I want him; he'll do whatever I a̶s̶k̶ tell him to do.” And then some other woman could demand, “Stay away from my husband, you lying, whorish bitch!”

But there is a forbidden woman who is like the harlot foretold in wisdom. She sits at the door of her house, calling out to the men who pass by, who go straight on their way. She entices the simple man with the sweetness of stolen water and the pleasantries of secretly eaten bread. She lures the simple man with the lie of her husband being away on a long journey, and with much seductive speech, she invites him into her bed, perfumed with myrrh, aloe, and cinnamon. But the Reaper is already there. And the hard object tenting her sheet is not the erection of a man—but a scythe.

The men of River Forest—despite their sickening machismo—are the simple ones who lack understanding. Misguided by carnal lust, they miss it and turn aside to her ways, straying into her path. These are those who lack sense, not understanding that the men who enter her house are already dead.

MUDDY RIVERS: DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS.

Conniving, deceptive, hypocritical, cunning, adulterous, callous, malicious, jealous-hearted, passive-aggressive, sleazy, whorish, self-hating, vindictive, scandalous, vile, and incestuous are the Housewives of River Forest. And Andy Cohen himself couldn’t clip muzzles on these rabid bitches. No one can stop a dog from returning to lap up its vomit, and no matter how often the sow has a bath, even still, she will return to wallowing in the mire.

RIVERS OF COLD BLOOD.

It's been six weeks since Teddy's murder, and the investigating detectives still have no leads in the case. Alexis is the only person who seems to care about what happened to Teddy, and Alexis Crawford is nothing if not tenacious. She is determined to learn the truth about who killed Teddy Bard and why.

But can she handle the truth and all its double-edged, albeit liberating, mercilessness? Or will lies, perverse and depraved as they are, be better to digest? Alexis means well, but pointing out the plank in the eye of another before first extracting the splinter from her own might prove fatal. Here, Alexis is sure she can swing it—until she runs face-first into the iron fist and smack-dab into a second (brutal) murder, the killing of another River Forest husband.

THE RIVER SUMMARY.

Narrated in the dual viewpoints of kindred spirits Alexis Crawford and Blair Bard—two women who will form a somewhat co-dependent bond—What the Neighbors Saw, co-starring Beryl Edwards as Blair's mean-spirited and bitter mother and Detectives Rich Bryan and Thomas Kim, two investigators around whom the residents of River Forest unbelievably continue to run rings, is a relatively well-written pincer grasp on the psyche; a composition of short, choppy chapters that read fast and ooze intrigue.

It is not until her plot on these pages nears its end that Melissa Adelman pushes down the plunger of her detonator to ignite a thunderous boom, blowing apart the mystery of the violent murder of Teddy Bard and the elaborate conspiracy that led up to it. Some readers might find this strategy annoying, but here, Adelman will command forgiveness as her debut thriller boldly defends her honor, revealing intrinsic character development and flawless dialogue.

Adelman's strengths as a storyteller reveal themselves in the pros of her (literary) script. On the other hand, however, her weaknesses, minor as they might be here, are exposed in the cons, whereas the author left too many holes open in her haste to (finally) end it. With this novel, Adelman was on a roll until her storyline became too bloated. There was some extra fat the plot could have done without, sure, but still, I understood Adelman's vision, and I must commend her for a job well done, even if a few blemishes caused the effort to fall short of a five-star review from me.

I do not possess the ability of a psychic, but if I had to guess, I would say that Melissa Adelman has what it takes to only get better with each succeeding effort, given she learns from her limited number of mistakes with this work.

My initial introduction to What the Neighbors Saw was with The Minotaur Sampler, Vol. 8 (Macmillan Publishers, 2023), and I enjoyed the selection; I looked forward to completing the title. And so I have, and here we are. Melissa Adelman earned a new fan in me with this particular effort—of which she should be very proud—and I eagerly await her next release. Dear reader, I don't just recommend What the Neighbors Saw; I highly recommend the title, especially if you like your mystery thrillers gritty, dramatic, action-packed, and unpredictable.

Happy reading, all.

REVIEWER’S NOTE: It is a pleasure to thank St. Martin's Press, Minotaur Books, and Macmillan Publishers—in association with NetGalley—for the complimentary copy of What the Neighbors Saw for my reading pleasure.

Analysis of What the Neighbors Saw by Melissa Adelman is courtesy of Literary Criticism by Cat Ellington for The Arts©.

DISCLOSURE: The "Callous Poem" included in my analysis of What the Neighbors Saw is an original piece created (by me) only for dramatic effect and to serve as a portion of my review.

©2024 Quill Pen Ink Publishing. Literary Criticism by Cat Ellington for The Arts. The Cat Ellington Literary Collection. The Cat Ellington Poetry Collection. All rights reserved.

NEXT UP: Cat Ellington's review of Gone Tonight by Sarah Pekkanen